


Not Anymore

by Elizabeth_Dicewielder



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Full Moon, Happy Ending, M/M, Mutual Pining, Very angsty angst, like super angst, platonic lilypads, platonic prongsfoot, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-18
Updated: 2019-09-27
Packaged: 2020-10-21 11:43:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20692982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elizabeth_Dicewielder/pseuds/Elizabeth_Dicewielder
Summary: Remus and Sirius know they’re in love with each other, but Remus has decided it would be too risky for them to be together. Sirius tries to get Remus to change his mind and it doesn’t go well.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally written on my Tumblr (@holy-shit-its-wolfstar), with each part rather short. The last part will be significantly longer.

“Remus, I can’t handle this anymore.”

Remus looked up from his book. The common room was empty, an uncomfortable silence dominating the space. It made all of Sirius’ thoughts and feelings bubble up to the surface, stewing and brimming until he burst.

“Can’t handle what?”

“This! Sitting here, with you, but not with you. Knowing that you love me but I still can’t be with you.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, solemn.

“I don’t even think you are!” Sirius yelled. “You seem perfectly fine ignoring it. Ignoring me.”

“I’m not ignoring you.”

“You’re not exactly paying attention to me either.”

“It has to be this way,” Remus insisted.

Sirius made a noise of disgust. “Well, it’s not as easy for me.”

Remus laughed, but there was no humor in it. He rubbed his hands over his face. “You think this is easy? You think I don’t hate this?”

Sirius narrowed his eyes. “It’s not like you talk to me about it.”

“I am never ignoring you because it’s impossible not to pay attention to you. I’m aware of every little thing you’re doing, because no matter how hard I try, I can’t not be.” A moment’s pause. “I’m always too focused on you and it’s driving me insane because I know I can’t have you. I want nothing more than to just kiss you, all the fucking time, but it. Can’t. Happen.”

“Why?!”

“Because I can’t control the wolf.”

Sirius groaned. “Oh, you have got to be kidding me. You’re pulling this shit? Really?”

“It’s a valid concern! I get jealous of you just talking to other people, and we’re not even together. Do you have any idea how much worse it could be if we were?”

“Or maybe it would make things better because you were actually with me.” Sirius glared.

“You don’t know that.”

“We could try it.”

“No.”

Sirius blinked back the tears prickling his eyes, voice breaking. “I love you. I can’t keep doing this.”

“Then don’t.”

“What?”

Remus looked away for a moment, then back. “You can’t be around me but not with me? Then don’t be around me. Simple as that.”

He wanted to vomit. This couldn’t be happening. “That’s your solution?”

“It works, doesn’t it?”

Sirius couldn’t keep from crying now, shoulders trembling with sobs. “As long as I love you it will only make it hurt worse.”

Remus took a moment to consider, his mouth a hard line. “Then I’m sorry. But this is for your own good.”

Sirius’ mind went blank, heart cracking. “What?”

Remus stood, glaring, angrier than Sirius had ever seen him in his life. “Get the fuck out of my sight.”


	2. Chapter 2

“What the fuck, Moony?

Remus tossed his bags on the floor and sat on his bed. Today, and the past two weeks, really, had been all around shit, and a confrontation with both James and Peter was not something he needed.

He looked James in the eye. “You’re going to have to be a bit more specific.”

“You know exactly what we’re talking about,” Peter hissed.

Remus flinched. He had never heard Peter use that tone of voice.

“Let me reiterate,” James requested. “What. The. Fuck.”

He didn’t want to deal with this. His eyes were already droopy and the moon was almost full, draining his energy and spinning every sentence spoken into a tangled mess he had to unwind to understand. “Look, if this is about Sirius, he can talk to me himself.”

“You really think I’m gonna let that happen?” James challenged.

“Excuse me?”

“You purposefully ignore Sirius in the halls, glare at him whenever you’re in the same room, and straight up insult him whenever he tries to talk to you.”

“You’ve been a dick,” Peter clarified.

A prickly sensation traipsed up the back of his neck. Was this really happening? Were his friends really turning against him?

He looked between the two marauders, searching for any kind of sympathy. He found none.

“It’s necessary!” he insisted. He hated it, but it had to be done. It was better this way. Soon enough Sirius would learn to stop loving him and they could move on. Sirius would stop hurting. Maybe even forget Remus. Someday he would understand, and hopefully forgive him.

“No, it’s fucked up,” James retorted.

“What, so now you’re ganging up on me?”

“It’s not like that. We’re just trying to protect Padfoot,” Peter said.

This was ridiculous. This was so utterly ridiculous. “He doesn’t need protecting. It’s just me.”

James took a few steps forward, looking down at Remus. “You’re our friend, and we love you. I know you have your reasons for your argument, whether or not I agree with them. But this is too far. You’re hurting him. I’ve never seen him this bad.”

There was a bitter taste in his mouth. From what little Remus had seen, James was right.

“So I’m telling you this now, and I’ll only say this once.”

James towered over him from where Remus was seated on the bed. In all his years at Hogwarts, this was the first time he had ever been genuinely intimidated by James Potter.

“You either get your act together and make things right,” James said, “or I make sure you never even get close to my brother again.”


	3. Chapter 3

Sirius scrubbed at his face with his hand to wipe away his tears. He had spent the last hour bawling, and though he felt like he could cry for a million years longer, he was starting to feel lightheaded. Lily offered him a tissue which he took to blow his nose, blinking in rapid succession to hold back any further tears.

“Is that any better?” Lily asked, voice gentle and grounding.

He shrugged. “I don’t know. Not really.” There didn’t seem to be a ‘better’ for him lately. It was always just bad and then worse and then hell again.

“I can’t believe Remus is doing this.”

He gave a breathy laugh. “You’re not the only one.”

Lily shifted and turned towards him a little from her seat next to him on her bed. “It doesn’t make any sense! He so clearly loves you and then...”

“Then he pulls this shit.”

“Yeah.”

“I probably shouldn’t be surprised, honestly.” He looked down, thinking through all the moments they had spent together, confessing their feelings and then somehow coming to an agreement not to act upon them. “He’s pushed me away before. It’s just never been quite like this.”

The memory of Remus telling him to get the fuck out flashed before him. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block it out. He had already spent so many hours agonizing over that moment, replaying it over and over, trying to understand how it could have happened and what he must have done wrong. He never came to a conclusion.

“I can sort of understand where he’s coming from,” Sirius admitted. In some twisted way, it did make sense. Remus wanted to create a rift between them so Sirius would stop loving him, and the only way he could think of was to make Sirius hurt.

“Even if you can understand it, it doesn’t make it okay.”

“No. It doesn’t.”

Lily sighed, then paused for a moment, contemplating. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Why did you come to me about this? Not that I’m complaining! It’s just... you usually talk with James about this kind of thing. Has he been not understanding?”

Sirius snorted. “It’s the opposite, really. I’m afraid that if I cry over this in front of him one more time James will actually kill Remus.”

“And you think I won’t?” Fire danced in her eyes.

Sirius deflated a little. “I think you’re smart enough to know I’m not worth it.”

“Umm, no.”

“Huh?”

“That is the most inaccurate thing I have ever heard. Sirius, you are absolutely worth killing for.”

“Suddenly I’m questioning your morals.”

“Sirius Periwinkle Crimson Fuchsia,” Lily said, stern.

Sirius knew she was being serious but he couldn’t hide his grin at the name.

“The first few years I knew you I thought you were an annoying douchebag. You were loud and obnoxious and had no respect for anything and I couldn’t stand you. But we started talking, and I saw through that. Over the past years you have become very dear to me, and despite all odds you have somehow become one of my closest friends.”

Sirius sniffed, feeling far too many things at once.

“So don’t ever say you’re not worth it. I know you, and I know how kind and supportive and courageous and utterly brilliant you are. You deserve the world. Remus was an absolute idiot to give you up.”

Sirius was smiling wider than he had in a long time. “Damnit, you’re gonna make me cry again.”

“Good crying?”

“Good crying.”

“Good.” She pulled him into a hug. “You’re amazing. I’m very lucky to call you my friend.”

“I’m really glad you’re my friend too.”


	4. Chapter 4

The door creaked as Remus opened it, a loud, uncomfortable sound that he thought encapsulated the general feeling of the room perfectly. James and Peter were waiting at the shack already, but Remus had prefect duties and needed to drop a few things off before the moon rose.

The noise caused Sirius to look up from the textbook he was reading and make eye contact with Remus, the weight of everything that had happened between them bombarding Remus in an onslaught of guilt and misplaced anger and something else he didn’t know how to describe.

“Umm. Hi,” Remus attempted. It was the first time he had started a conversation with Sirius in weeks. He could feel it. The tension that strained between them, the constant pain that radiated off of Sirius in nauseating waves, the knowledge that he had done this, that this was his fault, and knowing that if he could do it over he would probably end up doing exactly the same thing.

It wasn’t because he wanted to hurt Sirius. Far from it. Seeing how much Sirius was hurting was unbearable. But Remus’ life was pain. It was sorrow, exhaustion, lack of control. He couldn’t let Sirius tie himself to that, no matter how much both of them might want it.

Sirius blinked a few times in surprise. “Hi.”

Remus had to look away. It was too easy to get lost in those swirling grey eyes, too easy to dive down into their depths, watch as all the light faded the deeper he went, the light he had taken away.

Remus sighed. “I think we need to talk.”

“No shit.”

“Not about that.”

Sirius raised an eyebrow. “Oh?”

“Look, I think it’s best if you don’t come to the Shrieking Shack tonight.” 

There was a pause, leaving Remus dreading the response.

“Believe it or not, I actually figured that one out on my own. Any other inspiring ideas you’d care to share with me?”

His heart fell at the words. Somehow he had hoped Sirius would take it at least a little better than that. “N-no.”

“Great. Thank you for stopping by to remind me just how little I mean to you.”

Remus flinched. “You know that’s not…”

“No time to argue. Moon is up in ten. See you later, Lupin.”

The last hopeful piece of him shattered.

Remus ran out the door without bothering to say goodbye, too choked up to form a response. He sprinted all the way to the shack, letting the pain of his lungs burning wash away the tears and guilt. Letting himself go numb.

“You’re cutting it close,” Peter mentioned.

“It’s fine,” Remus muttered. He got ready for the transformation, ignoring the bile rising in his throat. It was just another moon. It would hurt like hell, and then he would heal and it would be fine. He would be fine. 

But somewhere inside he knew. This wasn’t just another moon. It was so much worse. It was only with the first splintering crack of a bone that he realized why.

The wolf was angry with him.


	5. Chapter 5

Remus awoke in a haze, blinking blearily. Two figures crouched around him, but he couldn’t make out who they were.

“Fuck, this is bad,” the paler one said.

“I know. Shit. Maybe we should have just had Sirius come in late.” The second one was darker and significantly taller, even crouching.

Everything was numb. The words went in and out of his head without processing, forgetting one phrase as soon as the next started. The voices sounded familiar but his mind was too foggy to place them. All he saw was two blobs of color.

“It’s too late now,” said the first.

“Fuck.”

“What do we do?”

“We have to leave.”

“What?!”

“Pomfrey will be here any minute and she can’t see us here. We have to go.”

“And leave him like this? Look at him!”

“My vision is just fine. Or, I suppose it never really has been, but I can see well enough. Pomfrey will fix him up, she always does. He’ll be fine a few minutes longer. Now come on. We have to go.”

“Okay...”

The two figures stood and walked away from him. The world turned more blurry with each blink, and soon darkness consumed the edges of his vision until he had no energy to open his eyes any longer.

~~~~~

Every day, Sirius visited him. As soon as class finished until the moment he had to leave for the next one, he sat by Remus’ bed in the Hospital Wing, from dawn until Madam Pomfrey shooed him out. He just sat there, clinging to Remus’ hand, silently begging him to wake up, to heal, to come back to him.

Three days passed, and Remus only opened his eyes five times, all of which were for a span of less than ten seconds. Sirius had counted.

On the fourth day, Remus was sent back to their room. Madam Pomfrey had done all she could until he awoke, and sleeping in the Hospital Wing would do him no better than sleeping in his own bed.

That worked out better for Sirius. He could be with his Moony,  _ no, not his Moony, just Moony _ , during the nights . There was no longer this tug in his heart pulling him downstairs, keeping him awake with worry. Remus was physically there, and Sirius could rest now that his soft snores drifted through the room.

Still Sirius lay in bed awake, trying and failing to fall asleep that night. All he wanted was to be with Remus, but he knew he shouldn’t. All he could think of were the things Remus had said to him, the way he had cut him out of everything, even the full moon. Remus didn’t want him there.

It was only an hour before he gave up and transformed into Padfoot, curling up at the foot of Remus’ bed. He felt guilty, but he was too exhausted to care.

He was asleep within minutes.

~~~~~

Remus awoke to a heavy warmth on top of his legs. He blinked a few times to clear his vision, taking a moment to orient himself. Judging by his surroundings, he was in his bed in Gryffindor Tower. That could only mean...

The sharp pain that seared through his body as he pushed himself up confirmed his fears. It was only when he was injured extremely badly that he was moved from the Hospital Wing, which likely meant he had been unconscious for several days.

The black dog at his feet stirred at the commotion. It looked up at Remus, then hopped off the bed and shifted into the boy he knew.

“You’re awake,” Sirius croaked. 

Remus nodded. “How long was I out?”

“Four days.”

Four days. The world spun. Four days lost, four days of classes, four days he could have talked to James and Peter, four days he could have tried to fix things with Sirius, all down the drain. Wasted. 

He swung his legs over the side of the bed, ignoring Sirius’ warning. He had already missed so much. He couldn’t just sit back when there was so much to do.

Pain sparked throughout his torso, rendering him paralyzed. A small, broken sound came out of him. It hurt, worse than it had in years.

Sirius cursed.

Remus looked down, blinking away tears and forcing breath through gritted teeth, though he made no move to stand. That was clearly a lost cause.

Thoughts churned in his head around the pain, a realization slowly dawning on him.

“This isn’t even a fraction of the pain you feel,” he stated, horrified.

“No,” Sirius agreed, voice low. “It isn’t.”

There was a moment of utter silence. No words or sounds, or even thoughts. Only a vast sea of nothing as that sunk in.

Then the world was roaring. His head was screaming, tearing down walls he had built, lobbing insults in every direction, all culminating in  _ how could you how could you how could you?  _ What had he been thinking? How could he hurt Sirius, the best thing that had ever happened to him? What was wrong with him?

He choked out a sob. He had ruined everything. Literally everything. Tears flooded down his cheeks, hands clutching the mattress, shoulders stiff. One blow and he would break.

“I’m sorry,” he sobbed. “Sirius, I’m so, so sorry.”

Sirius slowly sat down next to him. He was crying too. “I know.”

“I’m so sorry, I love you, I don’t know what I was thinking, I’m sorry, I can’t believe...” The words were coming out too fast, too many thoughts trapped in too few breaths.

“Stop. Just... just stop.”

Remus bit his tongue, heart plummeting further than he had thought possible.

“Look, the past few days I’ve had a lot of time to think. So just let me talk, okay?”

Remus nodded.

“You’re right. You hurt me. More than I ever thought you could.”

Another sob wracked his body.

“I need you to understand that. Really understand it.” Sirius sniffed. “Because the past few weeks I have felt like I am literally broken.”

“I do,” Remus managed to say. “I’m sorry, I’ll do anything—“

“Stop.”

Remus cut himself off.

“You don’t need to do anything—I’m not mad. I could be mad. For a while I was. But right now, I just need you. Yes, you hurt me, and no, I’m not okay with that, but quite frankly I can’t stand being without you.”

This wasn’t making any sense. Sirius... wasn’t mad? 

“Moons, all I’ve ever wanted is you. I’ve already forgiven you. Maybe it’s stupid, but I love you too much not to. So please. You don’t have to do anything. Just... let me love you. That’s all I want.”

Remus nodded again, too dumbfounded to speak. He didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve forgiveness, he didn’t deserve this kind of love. And yet Sirius gave it to him, purely because he wanted to. Because he loved him. No matter what.

He started crying harder at the thought, resting his head on Sirius’ shoulder. Sirius loved him, even after everything he had done. He still loved him.

Sirius took Remus’ hand and brought it to his lips, kissing one of the new cuts on his knuckles.

“I don’t deserve you,” Remus murmured once the tears subsided.

Sirius took a moment to contemplate. “Well, could anyone really?”

Remus laughed, though it sounded more like a hiccup.

“There we go.” Sirius grinned.

Remus shook his head into Sirius’ shoulder, embarrassed, but not unpleasantly so. They were finally okay. Nothing could ruin this.

They sat there for a while, simply enjoying each other’s company.

A thought occurred to him. He didn’t want to ruin the moment, but his brain kept tugging at him. “So does this mean we’re... a thing now?”

“A thing. Very specific.”

Remus sighed in relief. He had missed Sirius’ jokes. “You know what I mean.”

“Do I?”

Remus gave him a look.

“Well, what does being a  thing entail?”

“I was thinking it meant you would take a nap with me.”

It was Sirius’ turn to give him a look. “You just woke up.”

“And?”

“Nothing, just messing with you.” Sirius flopped onto the bed, holding his arms out for Remus to join him. “I’d say we’re a thing now.”


End file.
